So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
