Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
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