he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
Randomize
