i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
