Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
She needs sedatives and a leash
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
Randomize
