I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
