is your mom at the bar?
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Randomize
