my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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