My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
