so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
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