I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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