We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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