6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
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