I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
