yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize