i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
