Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
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