That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
Reggie can tackle my bush.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
