I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
