Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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