We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
