She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Randomize