hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Randomize
