At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Randomize
