So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
Randomize
