It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Randomize
