Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Randomize
