I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Randomize
