There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
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