she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
and the mascot is a pinecone. its really no surprise that people here dont get laid
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
