i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
