The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
Randomize
