Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
