I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
Randomize
