How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
