Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
i didnt know what to say other then wrong hole.....after that the moment was ruined.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
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