she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
