i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
