I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
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