So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
