he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
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