he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
