whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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