my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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