Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
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