she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
