then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Randomize
