at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
