Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
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