he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
