my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
I am mentally ready for anal.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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