everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
I FOUND THE LEGS
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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