i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize