How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
