the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
